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| The 'heroes' assembled |
The 1st of March, not only the star of spring but
the start of a very interesting weekend, welcomed a group of paddlers to the
everyday scene at sheds, and it is here where our heroes start their journey’s…
So as per usual we had the meet at sheds for packing and
stacking which became interesting very quickly by the introduction of Grog
McDimond’s girlfriend ‘Busty Bonita’ the figurehead for our pirate ship and a
would-have-been mascot for the university. After a rather uneventful journey consisting
of showing off our sex doll to strangers and pissing on bins we arrived in full
force a whole set of swashbuckling heroes at Nottingham’s only half decent
spot, the National Water sports Centre.
It is here where our heroes’ story becomes dark, darker than ever could
have ever been imagined.
Our unsuspecting villain, Samuel Salisbury AKA Woman killer,
Fun sponge and Twat, was hit on the back of the head by a flying inflatable sex
toy kicked by Iain. Sam, innocently and unsuspectingly, kicked it back and
managed to pierce the ‘Gooch’ of Bonita with his clown feet and blew her womb
into confetti.
Once the tears had fallen and Sam had been abused, our
pirate captain Stu led his men on a journey of self-discovery and self-abuse.
That night consisted of hard-core partying and drinking with some of the
country’s best (and worst) kayakers, there were naked men, naked women, copious
amounts of body odour and Liverpool’s pirates proceeded to party on through the
night making their presence known.
What really occurred on that dark night nobody is sure, what
we do know is somehow Tim pulled, James pushed…. his guts all over the floor
for the next 24 hours and Bonita was still lying in tatters.
The next day the majority of us were up surprisingly early
and headed to the course with a heart full of dreams and a head full of ideas
of how to take the NSR by storm… Grog wasn’t one of these people, whilst
earning man points for being the first on the water he proceeded to be the most
miserable looking kayaker of the day. To add to this humorous occasion Greg was
only saved from swimming on the novice wave by some help from a fellow kayaker
but true to form he battled through and made his way into the intermediate
men’s.
Once the rest of us found our energy we made to the water
and showed every other Uni what we could do, we tried our best and had a good
time. The kayaking that day was topped off by two events which shall go down in
Liverpool pirate history. Firstly, the Duo, which sadly and questionably Liam
and Stu lost, although they put in brilliant effort and showed off rolling
around. This was then followed by Hannah and Fiona putting in some bitching
moves in the Novice heats, whilst Fiona may not have made it through, Hannah
used the trip porn (Some brilliant material provided by Ruth) as best as she
could and pushed her way into the finals. Kayaking competitions over for the
day the pirates went to work.
Finding the highest peak in Nottingham to place our trusty
ship we set up camp and proceeded to drink and pillage to the best of our
abilities. We managed to steal the clothes off of Aberystwyth’s back and kidnap
the Rodeo Rabbit, all in good fun, and made good headway into winning the
spirit of NSR only to be hindered by Birmingham’s candyfloss and clowning around.
After catching the sun Liverpool’s heroes had some dinner
and naptime then got their inner animal on for an evening of circus tricks and
sticky wicks. But for some this was not meant to last, our fellow pirate Seaman
Staines (Hannah) fell at what would be considered the second hurdle as she did
make it through the door. She then passed out and hugged a pole, an actual
pole, which caused amusement for many. Once she returned to her cabin the rest
of us continued to party hard, some with the spirit of an animal, some with a
lack of balance and self-respect and others with junior freestyle champions. It
was fair to say that night some people came, some people got sore (Adi) and
some people got conquered.
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| Happy Fred |
As rosy-cheeked dawn ascended the spring sky fewer paddlers
made it than previously had been hoped, although some did make it to the water
and put in brilliant performances, many others set up camp once more and
cheered and partied their way through a day of brilliant expert kayaking and Rodeo Rabbit takedowns. Whilst a number
of males, you know who you are, put in brilliant yet under-rated performances
in the intermediate men’s, there was one woman who stood above the rest and
held Liverpool’s brightest future in her hands… Hannah. As we watched on with anticipation those
dick-heads from Birmingham continued to clown around although somewhat less enthusiastically
than the day before and somehow managed to beat Hannah with her fancy dress,
punny placards and boobs.
And although we ended the day with less prizes than we may
have hope for we did what we wanted to do and showed the rest of the UK how
Liverpool do it.
By Sam Salisbury
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