LUCC takes on BUCS slalom - Vive la Revolution!

By Sam Jones

Swim Confession by Harry "the shark whisperer" Green

Emily, our resident slalom-er

We assembled at sheds around 6:00 on Friday (it was meant to be 5:30 but you know, faff) ready to collect gear and depart for a weekend of slalom in Harry’s hometown of Stockton-on-Tees under Mog’s glorious leadership. John, Matt and Joel quickly claimed the three-seater van as the Liverpool mountaineering/kayaking vehicle and everyone else bundled into the minibus, plugged Casa Green into the satnav and set sail.

After a bit of traffic and a Tesco trip to acquire bacon, we arrived in Aycliffe village (~25 mins drive from the Tees barrage) at the village hall we were sharing with Manchester university canoe club. Fortunately, Manchester had already got the DJ booth in the village hall working, which was the prologue to hearty beer consumption. At the End of the Day (see: 4 in the morning) the group drifted to sleep; we all Dreamed a Dream that there would be no swims tomorrow.

Emily, Meg and Dani aka the super keen dream team!

At 7:00 on Saturday, Mog set her group leader credentials in stone by kicking everyone out of bed and serving up bread and bacon, then we faced a short drive to the Tees barrage where the weekend’s kayaking would take place.  The barrage is essentially a loop with a travelator at the end (think like the one off Gladiators but bigger) to take your boats back up to the start… assuming you didn’t swim, in which case there was a gruelling walk of shame across a few bridges. As we walked around the course, it became apparent that our mighty squad was split into two groups: Those who had done slalom before and were looking to get good times, and those who just wanted to get to the end of the course without swimming and experience the travelator.  The second group had a small conference and agreed that the best plan of action was to skip most of those pesky uphill gates.

Intense concentration from John

The structure of the event is that for each ‘class’ of boat (we only entered individuals in the K1 category, and not in the C1 category – which is with the one-bladed paddles), an individual gets 2 attempts at the run with the aim of getting through as many gates as possible. In addition to this, we entered both a men’s and a women’s team, where three boats go down together. Getting through a gate gives a ‘clear’ for that gate, hitting the gate with paddle or body as you go through gives a 2 second penalty, and skipping a gate completely gives a 50 second penalty. Swimming gives a DNF which means you get no score for that attempt. In the team runs a penalty is applied if the gap in time between individuals going through each gate is too large. 

On the Saturday the men’s K1 and the women’s team were up. The men noted a break in the queue and suited up to get on the river, at which point the heavens opened and sleet began to fall. Generally speaking there was a fair amount of swimming, but we also got a good amount of times submitted. 

Harry emerged singing a song of angry men after his attempt was (apparently) foiled by some orphans, a crocodile and a shark drifting into the course...  

My Swim Confession by Harry Green

My name is Harry and I am a swimmer. It all started on a stormy northern day at the tees barrage, I’m sure I heard someone talk about a tornado but anyway, I got in my boat ready to shred some killer waves and stuff and it all started pretty well. 

It all went south at gate 9.

To my astonishment there was a pride of orphans in the course! How they got there I don’t know! (I blame Meg). Anyway if that wasn’t bad enough as I got down that section of rapid most of the orphans managed to escape apart from one little fella, I think his name was Jeremy. Jeremy was struggling and why only became apparent as I bravely paddled to save him: 

THERE WAS A SHARK IN THE BARRAGE!

I try to pull Jeremy out the water. I was pulled under. Then I was back up. Wait what!?! I hear you say, “Harry can’t roll, even if he is the best kayaker/an amazing genius!” that’s because whilst I was under water A CROCODILE PUSHED ME UP TO ATTACK THE SHARK! I know I wouldn’t believe it if I were you... But you had to be there!

In the midst of the fight with the shark and the croc I managed to be capsized. I wasn’t going to let Jeremy down though! I valiantly pulled my deck, taking all the shame that came with it, I knew that boy’s life was in my hands.

Out of the boat now. One leg around the croc, one arm round the shark the other arm used only to push poor Jeremy away. I fought and fought until the shark, the croc and I… We shared a moment. A moment when we realised we are all one in this world and out fights are elsewhere.

So we went our different paths, the croc back to the Nile the long way round, the shark a really nice seafood restaurant (would recommend) and me to the side of the course to rescue myself and Jeremy as the safety team would have looked on if they had been there!

So there’s my story LUCC, that’s how I became a swimmer.

Ten minutes later I swam again. Bugger.

Unfortunately there was no photographic evidence of Harry and the shark/crocodile...

Later in the afternoon the women’s team of Emily, Dani and Mog took to the course and got down successfully. Throughout the day everyone took shifts at judging which involved sitting under an umbrella at 3-4 gates and noting down the scores of everyone who went through that section of the course.

We shot back to the village as quickly as possible in order to watch the Wales Scotland rugby game in the village pub before serving up a chilli con carne for dinner and settling in for a night of fun. The mountaineers whet our thirst with some mountaineering drinking games before a round of radio check descended into a rendition of Les Miserables (Harry knows the words to every song), and the booties owed from the day (John) were completed. With everyone a bit more tired after a day’s hard paddling we settled in for bed much earlier than Friday night.

Dani, echoing Johns concentration face

Sunday 14^th.  Valentine’s day. And what better way to spend it than getting wet on the Tees. With A Heart Full of Love we tidied up and packed our gear – the tributes today were our women paddlers and the men’s team of John, Matt and Joel.  Emily did her absolute best to bring our average score up with an impressive time in the women’s K1.  Dani hopped into Emily’s boat, presumably hoping it would provide good luck, but upon being scuppered at gate 16 cast aside her paddles and went for the hand roll… only to fail and have to swim. This was not lost on the event organisers who put on the score sheet ‘did ½ hand roll – 50% is a pass at uni’. Later, the men’s team bombed down the course without any swims.  

We elected not to stay and watch the results and set off for Liverpool  at around 3. We made good time and on the way were pleased to discover that we had placed in the top ten, beating Manchester who came in at 11^th.

Even as an inexperienced paddler, this was a really fun (and cheap!) weekend. The slalom course was a great way of practicing skills and gaining confidence in a safe environment. For those with more experience the competitive aspect was very present as with more than one attempt you can try to improve not just against other universities but also on your own time.  As even a high time counts towards the university’s points, the more the merrier; the slalom weekend is certainly in my calendar for next year. 

Scores from Slalom were as follows:

University of Liverpool - 10th overall!

Men's K1 - Matt Dennies - 51st, Joel Miller - 65th, John Bickerton 103rd, Sam Jones -109th, Ailson De Farias Silva Junior - 113th, Harry Green - 120th DNF

Women's K1 - Emily Ibbotson - 12th, Dani Brain - 22nd, Meg Over - 41st

Mixed Team: Emily, Meg and Dani - 10th

Open Team: Joel, Matt and John - 24th