Scotland Trip 2013 according to Schneids (and Ben on occasion) - Part 1

The Meig

Chris’s Dream Team: Rachel Schneiders (Schneids/ Schn/ Schnitzl/ Rach), Chris Kayley (Christov), Graham Whiting (Gareth/ Shrek), Ben Waller (Polo Wanker), Jack Ward (Thwapper/Mattress Muffler), Greg McDiamond (Grog McDimond/ Guinea pig), Tim Carpenter (SwimmyT/Handcuffs).
 
Kim’s Team Awesome: Kim Davies (oi you/ The Whip), Hannah James-Johnson (JJ), Dominic Williams (Dom), Gareth Senior (Big G, or Graham), James Tomkins (Jimmy T/ Face-ache), Jeannine Bradley (Spud).

Tolly’s Wallies: Tolly Robinson (Tolbot), Iain Fleet (Piniain), James Pattison (JP/Dr Portage, pronounced porTARge), Fiona Hunt (are you overtired?!/ Hero-boater), Adi Bell (BellEND), Gabby Timmins (Gobby).

Plus Team HeroIdiots: featuring Liam Chambers (Chamedog), Stu Earnshaw (Earndog)

Also starring: Jack “JACKJACK” Greenwood, Ade “Beermaster” Greenwood, Dan Greenwood (wannabe Liverpool kayaker)

So, we still managed to do some paddling, style/survive some great rapids and have other adventures in Scotland, even if it wasn’t a two-rivers-a-day week some of us were hoping for.

 

 

Dick of the Day:

·         Sunday – Tim – for not turning up to sheds to load up, although Adi turning onto the M6 south was also a very worthy nomination.

·         Monday – Spud – for trying to make Kim dick of the day but then falling over in the pile of bottles for recycling.

·         Tuesday – Stu won on Tuesday, for leaving us all on a long stretch of grade 1/2 and not paddling it himself, and Jack W was nominated for forgetting his trousers and having to wear Gareth’s monkey onesie all the way home.

·         Wednesday – Grog for throwing a throwline up a cliff and telling Spud and others the wrong line down the hard bit.

SUNDAY

A very early cold start for everyone, most of whom had crashed at Paddle Manor. Adi started off badly by a) picking the minibus that didn't go over 53mph and b) turned south onto the M6. Although he was thoroughly slated for this, in the end going to the flooded southwest instead of Scotland may have been a good idea as Scotland had had no rain for a month of Sundays and unfortunately there was none forecast to coincide with Epic Adventure Week Scotland Boating.

We drove a very long way north to the Upper Tummel. We paused at the get out to inspect the grade 3 which resembled a bony rockpile. Driving a little further up, the leaders inspected a nasty 4+ which was deemed unsuitable, especially in extremely low water levels and the freezing temperatures. Having decided it was unrunnable as a group, we didn't get to paddle on Sunday L and drove to Home Sweet Home, Grey Corrie Lodge at Roy Bridge. Most adventurers started their Scotland trip with the infamous LUCC Nap Time. However, JP, Dom and I got our walking boots on and went exploring instead. We walked up the river to have a look at Monessie Gorge on the Spean and agreed it was a horrible siphon-y mess, a view confirmed by Stu and Liam the next day when they scrambled down into the gorge.

Due to the very early start and lack of snoozing I went to bed quite early and was not around to greet the Greenwoods who arrived along with 2 barrels (144 pints) of beer courtesy (read: £1.40 a pint) of Ade.

MONDAY - Arkaig



Where has all the water gone?



Breakfast started with tales of interesting noises from the bedrooms/beds/occupants. Luckily not my room, although Iain had some worrying moments that JP was going to end up crashing down on top of him. The original plan was to paddle the Arkaig as a warm up, followed by the Spean Gorge in the afternoon, however the Spean Gorge was likened to a walk carrying boats with the occasional bit of floating, so we didn't do it.



 



Happy inspection fun



A brief paddle across a cold windy loch brought us to the top of the Arkaig. The river was flat and scenic up until a dozen boats on the bank made Chris’s group (the last of three) think inspecting was a good idea. Sure enough it was the grade 4 drop as promised – a slightly awkward lead in due to low levels and pinning opportunities on which Gareth dented his Burn’s nose, then a double drop. The majority of people in lower volume boats got tailsquirted at the bottom of the first drop with varying results – James T wins for going down the second drop upside down, to the detriment of his handsome face. Two stitches below the eyebrow in Fort William A&E sorted him out though, plus an impressively swollen black eye the following day (and several days afterwards). Other tailsquirt victims resulted in swims or recovery. Good effort to Tim and JJ for running it! Other lines included the accidental eddy between the 2 drops, dubbed The Nomad Line after Kim and Tolly achieved it first. Apparently it was not immune to Burns or Inazones either, as myself, Graham and Jack all ended up in it halfway down.



When there is no kayaking to be had



After picking up the pieces and rescuing Manchester’s safety, we continued down the river, still mostly flat, but with a couple of little drops. The last grade 3 was a scrape, but an extra hazard was provided in the form of Earnie, Liam and Adi jumping off the bridge just afterwards.

We split up that afternoon, with me, JP, Dom, Fiona, Gabby, Greg and Tim going on a hike up the hill near the Roy Gorge get-on. A short steep climb to a snowy icy hilltop then a long drop down through heather and along a stream (empty) – very pretty but chilly with the wind! The others went bowling in Fort William whilst waiting for James T to get doctored. Apparently Chris and Tolly were the bowling champions [Congratulations to Ben for improving from 25 points in his first game to 118 in his third].

Lots of sausages were consumed (mash optional).

James P fixed his rebroken boat.

TUESDAY - Tay

 

Tolly ripping up the knar



It was a fun trip honestly

The Spean Gorge was declared not worth doing, so we did the Tay instead which despite being high(ish) volume, was extremely flat. I don't think a group of clusterfuckers have ever been so excited to see a grade 2 rapid. Cursing whoever made us get on several miles of flat/grade 1, (subsequently, Stu won Dick of the Day for suggesting paddling this river and then not getting on himself) we passed the time by singing Fiona and Kim’s new hit single “COLD” to the tune of “YMCA”. The horizontal snow blowing in our faces made it all the more unpleasant. One of the highlights of this perpetually boring stretch of river was discovering that the wind was strong enough for us to drift upstream against what little current there was. Eventually, we got a 300m grade 3 slalom course at the Grandtully get-off, a nice sessioning opportunity for those who had actually come to Scotland to do whitewater. I did three runs of the slalom course, a good section to mess around on and demo boats in the case of Gareth, Jackjack and Dom. However, the slalom course did claim a few swimmers, with Jackjack, Gabby, Tim, and Iain (“I’m just lazy”) falling victim. Iain’s paddles were nearly lost forever, but to everyone’s surprise Greg proved useful for once and found them.

James P fixed his rebroken boat again – hairdryers, glue, scissors and all sorts.

 

 

WEDNESDAY - Meig

After a cracking cooked breakfast it was a long drive northwards to… the Meig! A committing pool-drop grade 4 gorge between huge granite slabs (so Iain the rocklicker tells us), what we came to Scotland for! The river was not suitable for the whole group to paddle, so the night before a few ideas were put forward;

·         Ade’s suggestion: ‘the people who don't want to paddle it can stay in the bunkhouse with the porn magazines all day’ (also known as the “Fred option”).

·         Stu’s alternative: ‘go to a whisky distillery and get shit faced’.

·         Liam’s suggestion ‘go to the chocolatier and get fat’ (the more expensive version).

In the end, everyone came to the river, and the walkers (Tim, Hannah, Jack, Jackjack, Kim and Gabby) took photos of the paddlers from high above the gorge. We ran it slowly in order to set up safety on the more serious drops, which meant getting a bit chilly sitting in eddies, and the occasional cave.

Safety faff on the meig

The first rapid was the most intimidating – a series of linked drops, the first of which had little opportunity to cock up as it was barely a boat’s-width wide, followed by a hole leading into a small cauldron, followed by a larger double drop which ran best on the centre line but was quite forgiving however you fell off it, and finally a narrow slide into a pool J. Many other drops and slides followed, including one under a picturesque stone arch. You got extra time to admire the arch due to the wealth of pinning opportunities on the boulder pile just above, which would have been a lot easier to just portage.



Having shoulders attached to your body is overrated



Speaking of portages, there were three on this short stretch of river. The first was a slot that was just too narrow, so Adi had fun throwing us off the seal launch at various degrees of sideways instead, whilst Ade decided that his potato (spud) could fit through the gap, resulting in him demonstrating his awe-inspiring rolling abilities. The second was An Epic – Gareth fell off it, several people dropped boats, Ade did most of the running backwards and forwards, and only me, Adi and Tolly managed it without swimming round the last corner. The third portage was around a boulder choke above the last drop and not very exciting, just a pain in the arse.

Running drops upsidedown gets more style points

Immediately after the second portage was the hardest and second largest drop on the river – a double drop with a cauldron in the middle, going round a corner. I don't think anyone ran it the same! We had people upside down, backwards and sideways in the cauldron, and many rolls at the bottom. Despite a good-ish line I got my left blade stuck and decided to leave my paddles halfway up the drop behind a rock. It would have looked cool if I hadn't ended up upside down in the hole at the bottom and hence exited my boat, but hey, you can’t style everything. Liam claimed to T rescue me but others said he just pushed me into the hole [definitely true]  – it’s up for debate [no it isn’t], but I’d like to believe Liam is always there to look out for me… [naïve fool].

Spud had a fairly horrendous experience of which a portion of the blame [all of it] goes to Greg (for sending her down the wrong line] and spent the whole thing upside underwater. Greg compounded his mistake and subsequently won Dick of the Day for sending a throwline backwards over his head when it was supposed to go to Jeannine. Graham failed to realise there was a second drop and stopped paddling, resulting in a roll at the bottom. Ben WINS for his downriver freestyle move out of the cauldron! Rolling off the lip of the drop into a perfect boof evidently works well. The rest of the drops were uneventful except an undercut which claimed a few rolls, including Chris and Stu [twice], whereas Spudley decided to portage that particular drop.

A highlight of the racking, as pointed out by Ben and several others, was Adi’s arse being emphasised by fluorescent green seams on his Sweet onesie. As usual, Stu and Chris’s bus won the racking race. They remain unbeaten [as of the time of writing].

We accidentally went back via Inverness due to Fiona being incapable of singing, DJing and navigating across the fold of the map all at the same time. However we still found Morrison’s which meant we didn't have to go to Fort William.

 

THURSDAY – Garry, upper and lower

To the relief of every kayaker in Scotland this week, the Garry was releasing and pretty much every university canoe club turned up to contribute to the carnage. Described as “the Tryweryn on steroids”, it was a challenging 3+ with drops and holes at a reasonable volume. We had a couple of swims in Chris’s Dream Team from Tim, who was great on the rapids but decided basic skills such as breaking out were beneath him. The Lower Garry was flatter but had some great drops on.

Highlight of the day: JJ’s first whitewater roll! Spud’s first river leading! Ben defying gravity and hydraulics to paddle UP a rapid. I also heard that our beautiful Kaptain Kim took a roll on the lower Garry. Gabby almost took Tolly into a hole with her and he had to stop paddling to avoid fresher-flattening. Iain decided to spice up the flat bits between rapids by swimming on a microscopic hole – his advice of the day: “don’t swear underwater or you swallow a load!”. Ade rescued some paddles, went to throw them to the side and hit himself in the head with them. Graham and I found out that the river right chicken chute was actually harder than going through the big hole. Lots of other unis probably owe us some rescue beers [especially Manchester, as all three groups recused at least one bit of their kit]. Gareth claimed to go backwards down the last rapid for the purposes of filming JJ, but no one really believes that…

A significant nomination for Dick of the Day goes to Liam for saying they were going to run safety for Kim’s Team Awesome and then paddling off. In the end he won it. Credit to Greg for putting his Dick of the Day t-shirt back on to rack the minibus after taking his BA off.

 

Two children at play

One minibus went to Fort William for swim beers etc, the other went via the Spean Bridge playground, played on the swings and slides and made each other feel ill spinning round on all the playground things. All GoPro-ed (of course). We got back and assembled a beer garden in the car park and commenced beveraging in the chilly sunshine!



The club needs YOU!

For dinner it was self-assembly shepherd’s pie, cooked by varying degrees of drunk chefs Stu, Chris and Tolly. Everyone was hammered by 7.30pm (nearer 7pm let’s be honest) on all the swimbeers/ciders. Drunk Stu insisted on Bumper, reliving his Charity Shop Roulette night of last Thursday (at least he hasn’t started his kissing rounds yet), and got burnt six times whilst cooking. We made JELLY for dessert! J

 

Quote of the day number 2: Tim: “I can teach you a handcuff knot if that would help?”

The night descended into more drunken chaos. No more needs to be said. 

Heyden Brook - Low water river scouting

Im too lazy to write a blog, so here is a video that gives you a jist! 

Super low water Heyden Brook from Stuart Earnshaw on Vimeo.

NS-ARRRRRGGHHH!

The 'heroes' assembled

The 1^st of March, not only the star of spring but the start of a very interesting weekend, welcomed a group of paddlers to the everyday scene at sheds, and it is here where our heroes start their journey’s…

So as per usual we had the meet at sheds for packing and stacking which became interesting very quickly by the introduction of Grog McDimond’s girlfriend ‘Busty Bonita’ the figurehead for our pirate ship and a would-have-been mascot for the university. After a rather uneventful journey consisting of showing off our sex doll to strangers and pissing on bins we arrived in full force a whole set of swashbuckling heroes at Nottingham’s only half decent spot, the National Water sports Centre.  It is here where our heroes’ story becomes dark, darker than ever could have ever been imagined.

Our unsuspecting villain, Samuel Salisbury AKA Woman killer, Fun sponge and Twat, was hit on the back of the head by a flying inflatable sex toy kicked by Iain. Sam, innocently and unsuspectingly, kicked it back and managed to pierce the ‘Gooch’ of Bonita with his clown feet and blew her womb into confetti. 

Once the tears had fallen and Sam had been abused, our pirate captain Stu led his men on a journey of self-discovery and self-abuse. That night consisted of hard-core partying and drinking with some of the country’s best (and worst) kayakers, there were naked men, naked women, copious amounts of body odour and Liverpool’s pirates proceeded to party on through the night making their presence known. 

What really occurred on that dark night nobody is sure, what we do know is somehow Tim pulled, James pushed…. his guts all over the floor for the next 24 hours and Bonita was still lying in tatters.

The next day the majority of us were up surprisingly early and headed to the course with a heart full of dreams and a head full of ideas of how to take the NSR by storm… Grog wasn’t one of these people, whilst earning man points for being the first on the water he proceeded to be the most miserable looking kayaker of the day. To add to this humorous occasion Greg was only saved from swimming on the novice wave by some help from a fellow kayaker but true to form he battled through and made his way into the intermediate men’s. 

Once the rest of us found our energy we made to the water and showed every other Uni what we could do, we tried our best and had a good time. The kayaking that day was topped off by two events which shall go down in Liverpool pirate history. Firstly, the Duo, which sadly and questionably Liam and Stu lost, although they put in brilliant effort and showed off rolling around. This was then followed by Hannah and Fiona putting in some bitching moves in the Novice heats, whilst Fiona may not have made it through, Hannah used the trip porn (Some brilliant material provided by Ruth) as best as she could and pushed her way into the finals. Kayaking competitions over for the day the pirates went to work.

Finding the highest peak in Nottingham to place our trusty ship we set up camp and proceeded to drink and pillage to the best of our abilities. We managed to steal the clothes off of Aberystwyth’s back and kidnap the Rodeo Rabbit, all in good fun, and made good headway into winning the spirit of NSR only to be hindered by Birmingham’s candyfloss and clowning around.

After catching the sun Liverpool’s heroes had some dinner and naptime then got their inner animal on for an evening of circus tricks and sticky wicks. But for some this was not meant to last, our fellow pirate Seaman Staines (Hannah) fell at what would be considered the second hurdle as she did make it through the door. She then passed out and hugged a pole, an actual pole, which caused amusement for many. Once she returned to her cabin the rest of us continued to party hard, some with the spirit of an animal, some with a lack of balance and self-respect and others with junior freestyle champions. It was fair to say that night some people came, some people got sore (Adi) and some people got conquered.

Happy Fred

As rosy-cheeked dawn ascended the spring sky fewer paddlers made it than previously had been hoped, although some did make it to the water and put in brilliant performances, many others set up camp once more and cheered and partied their way through a day of brilliant expert kayaking  and Rodeo Rabbit takedowns. Whilst a number of males, you know who you are, put in brilliant yet under-rated performances in the intermediate men’s, there was one woman who stood above the rest and held Liverpool’s brightest future in her hands… Hannah.  As we watched on with anticipation those dick-heads from Birmingham continued to clown around although somewhat less enthusiastically than the day before and somehow managed to beat Hannah with her fancy dress, punny placards and boobs. 

And although we ended the day with less prizes than we may have hope for we did what we wanted to do and showed the rest of the UK how Liverpool do it.

By Sam Salisbury

Fun times on the Tryweryn

On Saturday 23^rd Februrary a large group of kayakers met at to a very cold sheds for an eventful days kayaking in snowy wales on the Tryweryn.

Once we had arrived and changed we split into 2 groups to paddle the lower. After an initial briefing the first rapids were taken head on. We then practiced skills, eddying in and out and ferrying. Early in the day the river claimed its first swim (the first of a few!).

After a good morning of paddling we came to a boulder garden, once a small group had gone ahead and tackled it the rest of the group followed successfully.

Fiona at bottom of Bala mill falls

The last part of the day consisted of Bala Mill Falls, a rapid leading into a sharp drop. After close inspection form above on the bank it was decided who would run it. The group took it on bravely with Fiona even deciding to take on the challenge side wards. The drop only caused one swim and even then JJ set up for a roll but then decided against it last minute and the last swim of the day was claimed. The portage provided lovely scenery and proved how cold the water was with icicles hanging from the bank into the river.

Once the lower was conquered a small group of paddlers did a couple of runs on the upper. As the rest of the group watched from the viewing point at the centre we saw the paddlers complete the last few rapids and drops. Gareth put on a great show putting in a few rolls whilst going down the last drops. 

All in all I think it was an excellent days paddling and I would like to thank the organiser, river leads and all of the drivers. Rob M’s van was amazing and made packing up extremely easy!

Gareth showing us how it's done

A not so short kit buying guide from the often vacant mind of Earnie...

So you have all joined the best club in the university, and in amongst the drunken antics you have found your self in a boat on a river and decided that kayaking is for you (why wouldn't it be, its amazing) but you are starting to feel that your old tights and some primark pumps, along with the very attractive club kit may not be the most stylish and comfortable thing you could be wearing whilst out on the river, so here is a little insight into buying your first kit and what to be looking out for when you do.

All kitted up and ready to go!

Possibly the most important, and usually cheapest items you need is some good comfy thermals. There are so many different varietys of thermals out there some specifically designed for paddle sports (such as the ir onesizes or the sweet protection gimpy stuff) and although these are probably the best for kayaking they tend to be very expensive to buy, as well as thermals designed for a variety of different outdoor sports which usually have a smaller price tag attached. My advice would be to not spend lots of money on buying one or two thick expensive thermals but to get a larger variety of thin ones so that you can layer up, the benefit of this is you can change how warm you are by adding/taking off a layer as well as having a greater number of thermals to go at so on longer trips and weekends away you dont have to put on the same wet thermals everyday but instead have nice dry thermals to put on (a feeling possibly better than sex on a cold scottish morning). 

Lots of people have had good experience with the base layer thermals available at primark and ones that often come up for sale at aldi, the benefits of which they are cheap and readily available so you can buy lots of sets to keep you warm, as well as the fleecy primark onzies available which are great for wearing under dry kit or to put on after you have been on the river. My advice would be to start collecting together different thermals such as thin base layers, micropore fleeces and the typical tiger onzie with or without the head removed, and keep them together so when you set off to go paddling you can choose which to take depending on weather or take the whole bag and just wear what you need but have the option to decide when you arrive and see the river is frozen :/

Not the best shoes for a day on the river!

The next thing that is important is a good solid pair of shoes to wear on the river, which will not only make walking and swimming more comfy but will keep your feet warmer. Again there are some paddle specific boots out there that you can buy (such as the 5.10 canyoneers or the palm gradient shoes) but these are very expensive. My advice would be to do what numerous members of the club do and get your self a pair of sporty trainers or outdoor walking type trainers that have a good grippy sole on them, the benefits of these are that you may already have an old pair of trainers you can use and if not you can often pick up a pair at sports shops for very little money. Wearing trainers means you will have something that is comfy to walk to and from the river in as well as something that wont come off your feet whilst taking that unfortunate dip in the river and have plenty of grip whilst climbing around on rocks at the riverbank. For all you people that are cold blooded i would recommend getting yourself some neoprene socks (only cost around a tenner) to wear inside then, these will keep you feet very warm and will stop the shoes from rubbing. If you want to spend the money to get paddle specific ones, rather than the cheaper option and spending the rest on beer, i would recommend going for the palm gradient as it offers good ankle support and buckles that dont break like on the 5.10.

Gareth rocking his brighter than bright sweet helmet!

Even as sexy as everyone looks in the bright yellow club helmets you might wish to buy you self something with a little more style and a little less "i have to wear this helmet to bed so i dont hurt myself" look to it. When buying a helmet buying the cheapest one is often a very stupid decision, for a helmet to work correctly its needs to fit you well and cover all the important areas of your head. I would recommend three helmets, if you have the money buy yourself a sweet rocker as in my opinion there is no helmet that will look after you as well as this one will, if you want to spend a bit less look at the sweet wanderer still a great helmet but doesn't have much ear protection, and if you are on a tighter budget look at the WRSI rescue pro helmet. All these helmets offer the protection you need as well as offering great coverage of your forehead and the lower back of your head. The decision of which helmet to buy shouldn't be done on price or how it looks but how it fits you (knocking your self out on a river because you are wearing a helmet which wasn't fitted correctly isn't an enjoyable experience) so you need to get your self down to a shop and try a few on till you find something that fits well. 

Entry and exit is not always the easiest

After you have got yourself some comfy shoes, warm thermals and a sexy lid you will probably want to start looking at getting your self a dry cag. As with helmets the more you pay for a dry cag the better it will be, but saying this you can pick up some bargin kit with plenty of life left in it by buying second hand off ebay or the for sale section on UKRGB. Wearing a dry cag will not only keep you dry (duh) but will also keep you warmer by keeping the water out and the wind off. You ideally want to be looking for something that has at least latex wrist seals, semidry neck seal and a double waist band to keep the most water out. The best bet is to get your self down a paddle shop and try some different things on to see whats comfy and see what you can afford, or ask around in the club to see what people think of the cag they have as they will have head regular experience of using it and know all its pros and cons. As a general thing look at the palm gear, great gear with a reasonable price tag and British made if you ever have any problems :)

If you have lots of spare money and think that buying a dry cag is a waste and jump straight to a dry suit this can actually have a detrimental effect as if you are still often finding yourself swimming you can easily ruin a dry suit on the riverbed. Owning a dry cag also means that when you head to the alps this summer (which you all should) you have a dry top that will keep the water off without getting too hot wearing a full drysuit in the glorious sunshine.

Graham in a well fitting BA with plenty of space for kit and crazy eyes!

Next thing to look out to buy yourself is a Buoyancy aid. The club ones are more than adequate for anything you will get up to this year but they are not the prettiest, comfiest or most practical thing you could be wearing. My advice when it comes to buoyancy aids is head to a shop and see whats comfortable as you will be he one that is wearing it so if you get something you need to dislocate a shoulder to put on and off its probably not the best one for you! Things to look out for are; Make sure it has a quick release safety harness so that when the time comes you can be the 'dope on a rope', Get something with plenty of pocket space to carry a knife, sling, chocolate ect and make sure these pockets are easy to get to and dont become too bulky and in the way when full and something that offers you plenty of protection around your core without restricting your movement too much. Again Palm have a variety of great BA's on the market at various prices. 

Check out Roho's website as they have a large variety of equipment from all of the big name brands and i have never been able to find prices cheaper anywhere else! (if you do want to buy something from them let me know and il get you a very good price)

So there is a quick, but not so short intro, into what gear you should be starting to look at getting for yourself. This by no means is the end of the list as in the future you may look into getting your own boat and paddles ect but just something to get you going :)

If you enjoyed this look out for my book "how to drag something out to a million words that could be said in much less"

Stuart Earnshaw

Aged 22 and a half