Scotland Trip 2013 According to Schneids (and Ben) - Part 2

Also starring – Hannah Draper, Stu Haywood, Squirrel, Penny, and other miscellaneous ‘Olds’

Dick of the Day:

·         Thursday – Liam – for apparently saying he would run safety for Kim’s group on one of the rapids on the Garry and then paddling off.

·         Friday – Chris – for not swimming on the Garry when Jack Ward spread the rumour that he had after seeing his boat on the bank. Everyone except me was disappointed as it was my kit he was rescuing when the accusation was made.

·         Saturday – Dom - for ruining Loser is a Cat by throwing the pen into someone’s garden.

Boater X!!!

FRIDAY - Upper Garry

Friday began with hungover paddlers wandering out of their rooms at various times. Stu was the most drunk and correspondingly the last to appear. We mooched over to the Garry again, where there were even more kayakers than yesterday due it being a Bank Holiday. Several people get loser points for not paddling although to be fair Gabby was in A&E having a broken toe diagnosed (or not as the Scots are stingy with their X-ray machines). Chris’s Dream Team ran the upper section once as a big group with zero points except Jack’s roll, well done to Tim for zero swims on rapids OR eddy lines, then me Chris and Jack hiked up again for another run. At the get in we found ourselves sharing an eddy with a Squirrel! Hannah joined us in a red rocker – didn’t recognize her without the signature pink WRSI. Haywood followed shortly after, his new yellow Shiva being met with several comments along the lines of “have you got it pinned yet?”. Our second run was more eventful – the epic ferry glide across the full width of the river was not achieved by Jack , who then rolled in the same hole as before. I had a small mishap concerning the biggest hole on the river and my boat did the next rapid unpiloted before Chris rescued it without swimming himself – my hero of the day, everyone else’s dick of the day…

Picnic lunch was followed by BoaterX! Order of finishing, all quite close: Liam, Greg, Chris, Ben, Adi, Dom (who rolled at the finish) and Spud.

No Olds were harmed in the making of this photo

Friday was BIG PARTY NIGHT in Roy Bridge Hotel bar with all the olds and the two men with their accordion and guitar, otherwise known as Off The Rails! Lots of alcohol was consumed. The Greenwoods started off the mad drunk dancing, rapidly joined by Penny, Will Potts, me, Hannah and Stu, then most other people. Dan (bullshitter) started a new tradition – kissing the boar’s head on the wall. One by one he lifted us up on his shoulders to kiss the boar, I’m not sure it was anyone’s most pleasant experience of the week unless they were really desperate! Dan and Adi had an epic game of Loser is a Cat outside, which ended catastrophically when Dom dashed out of the pub and got involved, stealing the pen and throwing it over a garden wall. He disappeared ninja-like as speedily as he had arrived. When asked to explain his actions the next day, he said: “Everyone was outside so the best way to get them back inside was to get rid of the pen.”. Despondent at the untimely demise of Loser of a Cat, we trudged [staggered] back inside for a second rendition of The Roybridge Song! It was enthusiastic, it was loud, it was Scottish, tune didn’t feature largely… it’s hard to describe, you kind of had to be there…

Custard is good!!!

Back in the bunkhouse, custard (but not the lumps because Ade ate them selectively) got everywhere including all over Dan, JJ and Kim (thankfully not the toaster this time like the jelly). I tried to go to bed but was interrupted by Dan bursting in insisting he wanted to spoon with Chris - little spoon, if anyone was wondering.

Our Trip Sec Stuart Earnshaw slept through the whole thing. He must have overdone it the night before, bless. You snooze you lose….

SATURDAY – Etive and Allt a’ Chaorainn (sort of)

"Paddling"

Kaptain Kim learnt to levitate

Dom set off on a long winter walk, the rest of us headed to the Etive, doubtfully noting all the ice on the lead in and tributaries as we drove up the glen… We found the Etive to be on superscrape level so walked up a tributary, the Allt a’ Chaorainn, and threw rocks at all the floating ice. Adi slid down a bit in his drysuit, Liam whipped off his fluffy duck onesie and slid down stark bollock naked (and no I am not writing this on 1^st April – it was immortalized on GoPro, like most of our Scotland trip). It was lovely and sunny so we decided to have a picnic lunch, get into our kit and mess around on the Allt a’ Chaorainn and see if the level rose during the afternoon with snowmelt. Liam was the only one who carried his boat up to run Chasm and Ecstasy minus the lead-ins, and Speed which sounded a lot like scrapebangscrapebumpslpash. Stu and Adi also ran Speed, without a deck or paddles! He gave Pinball a miss as there was really no water and Adi, Fiona and Spud ground to a halt trying to swim down it. We all jumped off into one of the pools. We also jumped off the bridge at the bottom, and several spots off the cliffs around Chasm. Style points for Adi for a back somersault off the bridge. However we avoided the very bottom pool as Gareth got a bit too friendly with a dead deer which crept up on him from behind – girly shriek recorded on GoPro for ever more!

Liverpool University Gorge Walking Club

Look behind you!!

Spud, Kim and Fiona gorgewalked up most of the river, with a pause on Ecstasy to try the slide into teacup eddy, best enjoyed on your elbow pads and toe tips. Fiona however made holes the willy-zip-flap of her drysuit and wandered around shouting “I made a boo-boo!” pointing at her crotch. Spud managed to stand on her bumzip as she got up, undoing it, and getting her whole right leg wet. It was fun but very chilly, and only Chris, Stu, Gareth, Jack, Tim, Adi and me stayed in kit for nipping up to session Triple Step, the first set of drops on the Etive which had risen by mid afternoon. I ran it a few times – Triple 3 is still my favourite drop! Tim took a sneaky swim and Jack nearly joined him by getting pinned at 90 degres with no paddles and having to implore Greg for a T-rescue. I got off to take photos of Stu, Adi, Gareth and Chris doing BoaterX down Triple Step: not sure who won out of Stu and Adi, and Chris and Gareth battled it out on Triple 2 with Chris landing on top of Gareth and binning [the term binning is harsh here, Chris just landed on Gareth’s stern] him with a fierce grimace, then laughed as Gareth failed to roll up against the wall. The photos tell the story… BoaterX = no rules!

 

What everyone else missed out on

 

Last night and one hour of sleep lost… Greg was voted (unanimously?) Wanker of the Week.

SUNDAY – Upper Tummel

A big cooked breakfast, some cleaning and we left Grey Corrie Lodge behind for another year. Half the people got on to paddle the Tummel, looking very similar to when we declared it too bony a week ago. It was described to me as a few fun ledges and one 4+ but otherwise scrapy rocks causing much pinning and technicals! We watched them paddle the 4+ - it was fine if you were upright but not somewhere you wanted to be upside down and there was a chance of landing on a rock. No one messed it up too much, some portaged, and they continued downriver. We drove down to choose a get-off for them. We were tempted to make them (especially Stu and Liam ) paddle the 2km of flat following the interesting section but the driver wasn’t that mean and wanted to get home! We stopped by a chute-y double drop with a big curler/cushion wave on the last bit. Everyone ran this fine and braced off the curler except Tim who tried to James-Tomkin style it.

We racked up and headed off into the lovely sunset.

We finished our Scotland trip with two A&E trips, well over 100gig of footage from 6 GoPros, and thousands of photos which you can peruse at your leisure on Facebook. The Swim Chart should be available to see – Spud, Iain and Gabby and Tim were all vying for who could get the most points. [who won?]. Sadly, the swim chart didn’t total enough for either of the hero[moron]-boaters to go skinny dipping in a river of everyone else’s choice.

A huge thank you to everyone who came, drove, organised, lead, seconded, rescued, cooked, cleaned, washed up, navigated, DJed, filmed, photographed and ultimately PADDLED.

Schneids (and Ben)

Scotland Trip 2013 according to Schneids (and Ben on occasion) - Part 1

The Meig

Chris’s Dream Team: Rachel Schneiders (Schneids/ Schn/ Schnitzl/ Rach), Chris Kayley (Christov), Graham Whiting (Gareth/ Shrek), Ben Waller (Polo Wanker), Jack Ward (Thwapper/Mattress Muffler), Greg McDiamond (Grog McDimond/ Guinea pig), Tim Carpenter (SwimmyT/Handcuffs).
 
Kim’s Team Awesome: Kim Davies (oi you/ The Whip), Hannah James-Johnson (JJ), Dominic Williams (Dom), Gareth Senior (Big G, or Graham), James Tomkins (Jimmy T/ Face-ache), Jeannine Bradley (Spud).

Tolly’s Wallies: Tolly Robinson (Tolbot), Iain Fleet (Piniain), James Pattison (JP/Dr Portage, pronounced porTARge), Fiona Hunt (are you overtired?!/ Hero-boater), Adi Bell (BellEND), Gabby Timmins (Gobby).

Plus Team HeroIdiots: featuring Liam Chambers (Chamedog), Stu Earnshaw (Earndog)

Also starring: Jack “JACKJACK” Greenwood, Ade “Beermaster” Greenwood, Dan Greenwood (wannabe Liverpool kayaker)

So, we still managed to do some paddling, style/survive some great rapids and have other adventures in Scotland, even if it wasn’t a two-rivers-a-day week some of us were hoping for.

 

 

Dick of the Day:

·         Sunday – Tim – for not turning up to sheds to load up, although Adi turning onto the M6 south was also a very worthy nomination.

·         Monday – Spud – for trying to make Kim dick of the day but then falling over in the pile of bottles for recycling.

·         Tuesday – Stu won on Tuesday, for leaving us all on a long stretch of grade 1/2 and not paddling it himself, and Jack W was nominated for forgetting his trousers and having to wear Gareth’s monkey onesie all the way home.

·         Wednesday – Grog for throwing a throwline up a cliff and telling Spud and others the wrong line down the hard bit.

SUNDAY

A very early cold start for everyone, most of whom had crashed at Paddle Manor. Adi started off badly by a) picking the minibus that didn't go over 53mph and b) turned south onto the M6. Although he was thoroughly slated for this, in the end going to the flooded southwest instead of Scotland may have been a good idea as Scotland had had no rain for a month of Sundays and unfortunately there was none forecast to coincide with Epic Adventure Week Scotland Boating.

We drove a very long way north to the Upper Tummel. We paused at the get out to inspect the grade 3 which resembled a bony rockpile. Driving a little further up, the leaders inspected a nasty 4+ which was deemed unsuitable, especially in extremely low water levels and the freezing temperatures. Having decided it was unrunnable as a group, we didn't get to paddle on Sunday L and drove to Home Sweet Home, Grey Corrie Lodge at Roy Bridge. Most adventurers started their Scotland trip with the infamous LUCC Nap Time. However, JP, Dom and I got our walking boots on and went exploring instead. We walked up the river to have a look at Monessie Gorge on the Spean and agreed it was a horrible siphon-y mess, a view confirmed by Stu and Liam the next day when they scrambled down into the gorge.

Due to the very early start and lack of snoozing I went to bed quite early and was not around to greet the Greenwoods who arrived along with 2 barrels (144 pints) of beer courtesy (read: £1.40 a pint) of Ade.

MONDAY - Arkaig



Where has all the water gone?



Breakfast started with tales of interesting noises from the bedrooms/beds/occupants. Luckily not my room, although Iain had some worrying moments that JP was going to end up crashing down on top of him. The original plan was to paddle the Arkaig as a warm up, followed by the Spean Gorge in the afternoon, however the Spean Gorge was likened to a walk carrying boats with the occasional bit of floating, so we didn't do it.



 



Happy inspection fun



A brief paddle across a cold windy loch brought us to the top of the Arkaig. The river was flat and scenic up until a dozen boats on the bank made Chris’s group (the last of three) think inspecting was a good idea. Sure enough it was the grade 4 drop as promised – a slightly awkward lead in due to low levels and pinning opportunities on which Gareth dented his Burn’s nose, then a double drop. The majority of people in lower volume boats got tailsquirted at the bottom of the first drop with varying results – James T wins for going down the second drop upside down, to the detriment of his handsome face. Two stitches below the eyebrow in Fort William A&E sorted him out though, plus an impressively swollen black eye the following day (and several days afterwards). Other tailsquirt victims resulted in swims or recovery. Good effort to Tim and JJ for running it! Other lines included the accidental eddy between the 2 drops, dubbed The Nomad Line after Kim and Tolly achieved it first. Apparently it was not immune to Burns or Inazones either, as myself, Graham and Jack all ended up in it halfway down.



When there is no kayaking to be had



After picking up the pieces and rescuing Manchester’s safety, we continued down the river, still mostly flat, but with a couple of little drops. The last grade 3 was a scrape, but an extra hazard was provided in the form of Earnie, Liam and Adi jumping off the bridge just afterwards.

We split up that afternoon, with me, JP, Dom, Fiona, Gabby, Greg and Tim going on a hike up the hill near the Roy Gorge get-on. A short steep climb to a snowy icy hilltop then a long drop down through heather and along a stream (empty) – very pretty but chilly with the wind! The others went bowling in Fort William whilst waiting for James T to get doctored. Apparently Chris and Tolly were the bowling champions [Congratulations to Ben for improving from 25 points in his first game to 118 in his third].

Lots of sausages were consumed (mash optional).

James P fixed his rebroken boat.

TUESDAY - Tay

 

Tolly ripping up the knar



It was a fun trip honestly

The Spean Gorge was declared not worth doing, so we did the Tay instead which despite being high(ish) volume, was extremely flat. I don't think a group of clusterfuckers have ever been so excited to see a grade 2 rapid. Cursing whoever made us get on several miles of flat/grade 1, (subsequently, Stu won Dick of the Day for suggesting paddling this river and then not getting on himself) we passed the time by singing Fiona and Kim’s new hit single “COLD” to the tune of “YMCA”. The horizontal snow blowing in our faces made it all the more unpleasant. One of the highlights of this perpetually boring stretch of river was discovering that the wind was strong enough for us to drift upstream against what little current there was. Eventually, we got a 300m grade 3 slalom course at the Grandtully get-off, a nice sessioning opportunity for those who had actually come to Scotland to do whitewater. I did three runs of the slalom course, a good section to mess around on and demo boats in the case of Gareth, Jackjack and Dom. However, the slalom course did claim a few swimmers, with Jackjack, Gabby, Tim, and Iain (“I’m just lazy”) falling victim. Iain’s paddles were nearly lost forever, but to everyone’s surprise Greg proved useful for once and found them.

James P fixed his rebroken boat again – hairdryers, glue, scissors and all sorts.

 

 

WEDNESDAY - Meig

After a cracking cooked breakfast it was a long drive northwards to… the Meig! A committing pool-drop grade 4 gorge between huge granite slabs (so Iain the rocklicker tells us), what we came to Scotland for! The river was not suitable for the whole group to paddle, so the night before a few ideas were put forward;

·         Ade’s suggestion: ‘the people who don't want to paddle it can stay in the bunkhouse with the porn magazines all day’ (also known as the “Fred option”).

·         Stu’s alternative: ‘go to a whisky distillery and get shit faced’.

·         Liam’s suggestion ‘go to the chocolatier and get fat’ (the more expensive version).

In the end, everyone came to the river, and the walkers (Tim, Hannah, Jack, Jackjack, Kim and Gabby) took photos of the paddlers from high above the gorge. We ran it slowly in order to set up safety on the more serious drops, which meant getting a bit chilly sitting in eddies, and the occasional cave.

Safety faff on the meig

The first rapid was the most intimidating – a series of linked drops, the first of which had little opportunity to cock up as it was barely a boat’s-width wide, followed by a hole leading into a small cauldron, followed by a larger double drop which ran best on the centre line but was quite forgiving however you fell off it, and finally a narrow slide into a pool J. Many other drops and slides followed, including one under a picturesque stone arch. You got extra time to admire the arch due to the wealth of pinning opportunities on the boulder pile just above, which would have been a lot easier to just portage.



Having shoulders attached to your body is overrated



Speaking of portages, there were three on this short stretch of river. The first was a slot that was just too narrow, so Adi had fun throwing us off the seal launch at various degrees of sideways instead, whilst Ade decided that his potato (spud) could fit through the gap, resulting in him demonstrating his awe-inspiring rolling abilities. The second was An Epic – Gareth fell off it, several people dropped boats, Ade did most of the running backwards and forwards, and only me, Adi and Tolly managed it without swimming round the last corner. The third portage was around a boulder choke above the last drop and not very exciting, just a pain in the arse.

Running drops upsidedown gets more style points

Immediately after the second portage was the hardest and second largest drop on the river – a double drop with a cauldron in the middle, going round a corner. I don't think anyone ran it the same! We had people upside down, backwards and sideways in the cauldron, and many rolls at the bottom. Despite a good-ish line I got my left blade stuck and decided to leave my paddles halfway up the drop behind a rock. It would have looked cool if I hadn't ended up upside down in the hole at the bottom and hence exited my boat, but hey, you can’t style everything. Liam claimed to T rescue me but others said he just pushed me into the hole [definitely true]  – it’s up for debate [no it isn’t], but I’d like to believe Liam is always there to look out for me… [naïve fool].

Spud had a fairly horrendous experience of which a portion of the blame [all of it] goes to Greg (for sending her down the wrong line] and spent the whole thing upside underwater. Greg compounded his mistake and subsequently won Dick of the Day for sending a throwline backwards over his head when it was supposed to go to Jeannine. Graham failed to realise there was a second drop and stopped paddling, resulting in a roll at the bottom. Ben WINS for his downriver freestyle move out of the cauldron! Rolling off the lip of the drop into a perfect boof evidently works well. The rest of the drops were uneventful except an undercut which claimed a few rolls, including Chris and Stu [twice], whereas Spudley decided to portage that particular drop.

A highlight of the racking, as pointed out by Ben and several others, was Adi’s arse being emphasised by fluorescent green seams on his Sweet onesie. As usual, Stu and Chris’s bus won the racking race. They remain unbeaten [as of the time of writing].

We accidentally went back via Inverness due to Fiona being incapable of singing, DJing and navigating across the fold of the map all at the same time. However we still found Morrison’s which meant we didn't have to go to Fort William.

 

THURSDAY – Garry, upper and lower

To the relief of every kayaker in Scotland this week, the Garry was releasing and pretty much every university canoe club turned up to contribute to the carnage. Described as “the Tryweryn on steroids”, it was a challenging 3+ with drops and holes at a reasonable volume. We had a couple of swims in Chris’s Dream Team from Tim, who was great on the rapids but decided basic skills such as breaking out were beneath him. The Lower Garry was flatter but had some great drops on.

Highlight of the day: JJ’s first whitewater roll! Spud’s first river leading! Ben defying gravity and hydraulics to paddle UP a rapid. I also heard that our beautiful Kaptain Kim took a roll on the lower Garry. Gabby almost took Tolly into a hole with her and he had to stop paddling to avoid fresher-flattening. Iain decided to spice up the flat bits between rapids by swimming on a microscopic hole – his advice of the day: “don’t swear underwater or you swallow a load!”. Ade rescued some paddles, went to throw them to the side and hit himself in the head with them. Graham and I found out that the river right chicken chute was actually harder than going through the big hole. Lots of other unis probably owe us some rescue beers [especially Manchester, as all three groups recused at least one bit of their kit]. Gareth claimed to go backwards down the last rapid for the purposes of filming JJ, but no one really believes that…

A significant nomination for Dick of the Day goes to Liam for saying they were going to run safety for Kim’s Team Awesome and then paddling off. In the end he won it. Credit to Greg for putting his Dick of the Day t-shirt back on to rack the minibus after taking his BA off.

 

Two children at play

One minibus went to Fort William for swim beers etc, the other went via the Spean Bridge playground, played on the swings and slides and made each other feel ill spinning round on all the playground things. All GoPro-ed (of course). We got back and assembled a beer garden in the car park and commenced beveraging in the chilly sunshine!



The club needs YOU!

For dinner it was self-assembly shepherd’s pie, cooked by varying degrees of drunk chefs Stu, Chris and Tolly. Everyone was hammered by 7.30pm (nearer 7pm let’s be honest) on all the swimbeers/ciders. Drunk Stu insisted on Bumper, reliving his Charity Shop Roulette night of last Thursday (at least he hasn’t started his kissing rounds yet), and got burnt six times whilst cooking. We made JELLY for dessert! J

 

Quote of the day number 2: Tim: “I can teach you a handcuff knot if that would help?”

The night descended into more drunken chaos. No more needs to be said. 

Heyden Brook - Low water river scouting

Im too lazy to write a blog, so here is a video that gives you a jist! 

Super low water Heyden Brook from Stuart Earnshaw on Vimeo.

NS-ARRRRRGGHHH!

The 'heroes' assembled

The 1^st of March, not only the star of spring but the start of a very interesting weekend, welcomed a group of paddlers to the everyday scene at sheds, and it is here where our heroes start their journey’s…

So as per usual we had the meet at sheds for packing and stacking which became interesting very quickly by the introduction of Grog McDimond’s girlfriend ‘Busty Bonita’ the figurehead for our pirate ship and a would-have-been mascot for the university. After a rather uneventful journey consisting of showing off our sex doll to strangers and pissing on bins we arrived in full force a whole set of swashbuckling heroes at Nottingham’s only half decent spot, the National Water sports Centre.  It is here where our heroes’ story becomes dark, darker than ever could have ever been imagined.

Our unsuspecting villain, Samuel Salisbury AKA Woman killer, Fun sponge and Twat, was hit on the back of the head by a flying inflatable sex toy kicked by Iain. Sam, innocently and unsuspectingly, kicked it back and managed to pierce the ‘Gooch’ of Bonita with his clown feet and blew her womb into confetti. 

Once the tears had fallen and Sam had been abused, our pirate captain Stu led his men on a journey of self-discovery and self-abuse. That night consisted of hard-core partying and drinking with some of the country’s best (and worst) kayakers, there were naked men, naked women, copious amounts of body odour and Liverpool’s pirates proceeded to party on through the night making their presence known. 

What really occurred on that dark night nobody is sure, what we do know is somehow Tim pulled, James pushed…. his guts all over the floor for the next 24 hours and Bonita was still lying in tatters.

The next day the majority of us were up surprisingly early and headed to the course with a heart full of dreams and a head full of ideas of how to take the NSR by storm… Grog wasn’t one of these people, whilst earning man points for being the first on the water he proceeded to be the most miserable looking kayaker of the day. To add to this humorous occasion Greg was only saved from swimming on the novice wave by some help from a fellow kayaker but true to form he battled through and made his way into the intermediate men’s. 

Once the rest of us found our energy we made to the water and showed every other Uni what we could do, we tried our best and had a good time. The kayaking that day was topped off by two events which shall go down in Liverpool pirate history. Firstly, the Duo, which sadly and questionably Liam and Stu lost, although they put in brilliant effort and showed off rolling around. This was then followed by Hannah and Fiona putting in some bitching moves in the Novice heats, whilst Fiona may not have made it through, Hannah used the trip porn (Some brilliant material provided by Ruth) as best as she could and pushed her way into the finals. Kayaking competitions over for the day the pirates went to work.

Finding the highest peak in Nottingham to place our trusty ship we set up camp and proceeded to drink and pillage to the best of our abilities. We managed to steal the clothes off of Aberystwyth’s back and kidnap the Rodeo Rabbit, all in good fun, and made good headway into winning the spirit of NSR only to be hindered by Birmingham’s candyfloss and clowning around.

After catching the sun Liverpool’s heroes had some dinner and naptime then got their inner animal on for an evening of circus tricks and sticky wicks. But for some this was not meant to last, our fellow pirate Seaman Staines (Hannah) fell at what would be considered the second hurdle as she did make it through the door. She then passed out and hugged a pole, an actual pole, which caused amusement for many. Once she returned to her cabin the rest of us continued to party hard, some with the spirit of an animal, some with a lack of balance and self-respect and others with junior freestyle champions. It was fair to say that night some people came, some people got sore (Adi) and some people got conquered.

Happy Fred

As rosy-cheeked dawn ascended the spring sky fewer paddlers made it than previously had been hoped, although some did make it to the water and put in brilliant performances, many others set up camp once more and cheered and partied their way through a day of brilliant expert kayaking  and Rodeo Rabbit takedowns. Whilst a number of males, you know who you are, put in brilliant yet under-rated performances in the intermediate men’s, there was one woman who stood above the rest and held Liverpool’s brightest future in her hands… Hannah.  As we watched on with anticipation those dick-heads from Birmingham continued to clown around although somewhat less enthusiastically than the day before and somehow managed to beat Hannah with her fancy dress, punny placards and boobs. 

And although we ended the day with less prizes than we may have hope for we did what we wanted to do and showed the rest of the UK how Liverpool do it.

By Sam Salisbury